I’m pleased to say that in general, my anxiety has improved over the last six months or so. But that’s kind of lulled me into a false sense of security. Just because I’ve been much better lately, I kind of expect myself to cope with stress better. There are times when stress builds and bubbles beneath the surface, like the molten brewing underneath a volcano. Subconsciously you kind of know it’s there, but you don’t really pay much attention to it. That’s what I’ve been doing.
Over the last month or so numerous different sources of potential stress have crept up on me. And the last few days I’ve been feeling bad and starting to spiral a little. The bigger things are building up, which means any little thing is setting me off. For example, I’ve had to decide on which phone contract to get (I know I know, first world problems right). Now, this may not seem like a ‘problem’, but for me, a person who struggles with making decisions without approval from others, it’s a bit of a test.
After working myself up into a frenzy last night, I thought I was going to have a full-blown panic attack. I could feel myself getting to the ‘no return’ zone, where no matter what I do, my attitude and heightened anxiety levels won’t go away unless I completely crash and burn. But thankfully, my wonderful man stepped in. He’s learning how to deal with me better, and it really showed yesterday. Instead of getting annoyed at my irrational comments and behaviour, he tried to change my mindset, to make me feel differently. And it actually worked. I can’t believe how stupid I was not to notice this glaringly obvious things, it took someone else to open my eyes.
In my head, there was no real reason for me to be feeling low or anxious, but when he questioned this, I realised, perhaps there is. Between us, we figured out that actually I’ve had quite a stressful few weeks, and I’d made a few poor decisions (in terms of doing the right thing for my mental health). I’ve been travelling a lot, which has been amazing, but I’ve also been trying to grow my business, plan a wedding, organise hen dos, do something amazing for my fiance’s 30th and just generally sort all my shit out. Although nothing major is happening to me, I’m allowing myself to be under a lot of unnecessary pressure.
Things have built up inside me and I had no idea it was happening. I wish I could notice the warning signs more easily. But at least I’ve figured out that I need to do something now, before things really get on top of me. When planning a wedding there are all these expectations, and there is a lot of pressure to make your wedding epic. When really the main thing you should care about is the special moment you are going to get to experience with your hubby or spouse to be.
I’m writing this blog post as a heads up to myself. Hey Kiri, SLOW DOWN, chill out a bit. Stop piling on zillions of things to do all at once. One thing at a time. Get those priorities straight. So here is to hoping my mood will improve and I can continue to beat my anxiety. Over and out.
