I intend to do regular posts related to mental health because I think it’s an important aspect of life that gets overlooked. It gets cast into the shadows and hidden away from view, but most importantly it has a humungous impact on your overall happiness. So don’t ignore it.
I have had a few episodes of anxiety in my life, and nowadays I pretty much have it under control. However, it still occasionally rears its ugly head and reminds me that I won’t ever be completely free from invasions of panic. But that’s OK, because I have coping mechanisms in place now.
Sooooooo many people suffer from anxiety. A fair number of your close friends and family may have anxiety and you don’t even realise it, because it’s kept hidden, like a dirty secret. In reality everyone deals with anxiety at some point in their lives, it just affects people in different ways.
One of the most frustrating things when you have anxiety is the stuff that people say to you, even when they are trying to help. The things people say and do can have a big impact on your progress and how quickly you can emerge from a state of panic.
So pay attention people, friends, family members and especially partners of people who have anxiety. I have used my own experiences as well as having a quiet chat with a few different people who are dealing with anxiety issues at the moment. If you want to help, read this. Here are 20 things you should NEVER say to an anxious person.
1. ‘You’re such a drama queen’
Calling someone a drama queen is actually pretty offensive, even if it is said in a lighthearted way or as a joke. You are labelling that person as something that they are not and making them feel ashamed of their behaviour. Making a scene because you are anxious doesn’t mean you are a drama queen. Drama queens want attention, anxious people often HATE to be the centre of attention.
2. ‘You don’t seem anxious to me’
If a person has told you they are anxious, yet they seem completely normal, this does not mean they are OK. Some anxious people get very good at putting on a mask and pretending like everything is fine. They might look happy on the outside but inside they are falling apart. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there.
3. ‘You will feel better if you go out’
If an anxious persons says they don’t want to go to a social event or says maybe, then they probably don’t want to go. A tough love attitude often doesn’t work with anxious people, it just makes them worse. Piling on the pressure to do something will send their anxiety levels through the roof. Give them the option to attend and leave it at that, don’t keep pushing them to socialise when all they want to do is curl up somewhere and hide.
4.’Some people have bigger problems than you’
This is probably one of the worst things you can say. It not only makes them feel guilty for their behaviour but it can also make them angry and feel like no one understands. Yes, their problems might seem trivial to you but everyone has their own struggles.
5. ‘That’s just how life is sometimes’
Yes, life can be tough, we know. Just because you can cope with everything life throws at you doesn’t mean I can too. Life is difficult, anxious people know that. Don’t trivialise their problems.
6. ‘Just get over it’
Worst. Advice. Ever. This is in no way helpful. Of course anxious people want to get over their worries, it’s not a simple process. Anxiety doesn’t just go away when you ask it to.
7. ‘You’re such a worrier’
People who are anxious already know that they worry too much. They walk around every day trying their best not to worry about the small things. When anxious people hear someone say ‘you’re such a worrier’ it makes you them feel like they aren’t making any progress, or that their anxiety is getting even worse. Avoid labels or cruel nicknames that emphasise the problem.
8. ‘It’s all in your head’
This makes us sound like we are imagining our anxiety, that it is something we have made up. Saying this phrase to an anxious person will only make them feel crazy. You might think it will make them feel more in control, because you think they can just think differently and their anxiety will go away when in reality saying this will make them feel more out of control.
9. ‘Nothing I do or says helps your anxiety’
You cannot fix someone who suffers with anxiety. Yes, you can do things that will temporarily make them feel happy or put a smile on their face. Don’t be disheartened when they slip back into a worried state again. All you need to do is just be there for support, don’t make them feel bad because you are frustrated that you aren’t solving all their problems. Anxious people have to help themselves.
10. ‘Calm down/relax’
Constantly saying ‘calm down’ or ‘relax’ is infuriating. How do you think this is helpful? If anxious people were able to ‘just chill out’ then they would. Don’t say this, it’s patronising.
11. ‘You are being irrational’
Yes we know we are being irrational, and it irritates the hell out of us too. Anxiety causes people to have irrational thoughts. When someone is having a panic attack they aren’t their normal self and they cannot see things clearly until the attack has passed. Don’t judge what they are saying or insinuate that the concerns they are voicing are trivial or crazy. Just reassure them and help them through it.
12. ‘Stop being so negative’
You can try and make anxious people see that they are thinking in a negative way, but don’t simply say ‘why are you being so negative?’. Don’t mention the word negative, instead, try and show them the positive side of a particular situation without being judgemental.
13. ‘Do you think you might have depression?’
Although anxiety and depression are intertwined, that doesn’t necessarily mean someone who is anxious is seriously depressed.
14. ‘You aren’t trying hard enough to change’
Fighting anxiety is exhausting. It’s a constant battle that seems to never end. Sometimes, no matter how hard an anxious person tries they are still overcome with fear and worry. This is definitely one of the most frustrating things you can say to someone who is attempting to combat their anxiety.
15. ‘You are acting like your [insert family member, usually mother or father]’
It’s dangerous using this phrase with anyone, let alone an anxious person. Instead of pigeon holing them and highlighting their parent’s negative points, try and show them an alternative way of doing things.
16. ‘Just get on with it’
Sometimes it is practically impossible for an anxious person to ‘just get on with it’. If you push them to do something they don’t want to do it will only make them worse. Like, a lot worse. This is a very cruel and pointless thing to say to someone who is anxious. Let them deal with things in their own way.
17. ‘I am stressed out too’
Again, this is trivialising their problems. Yes you might be stressed out too but if you don’t have anxiety then you won’t understand. Anxious people still want to help other people with their problems and saying this will make them think you assume they only care about themselves.
18. ‘You will be fine’
How do you know? Depending on the things that are going on in an anxious person’s life they may or may not be fine. ‘Being fine’ may take weeks, months, years or decades for them to achieve. Also, saying this before an anxious person is about to do something challenging or nerve wracking is not helpful. In their head they may not be fine, and they are thinking about all the 283849494 horrendous things that could happen.
19. ‘Have I done something to upset you?’
No you haven’t done anything. How an anxious person is feeling probably has absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s just not about you.
20. ‘Try and forget about it’
When an anxious person is worried about something, it consumes their every thought. They will not just forget about it. Instead of saying these useless words try and do something to take their mind off the problem, or just let them sit with it.
