17 Ways To Be Really Annoying – One For The Wind-Up Merchants

17 Ways To Be Really Annoying – One For The Wind-Up Merchants

I have looked up the definition of a ‘wind-up merchant’, and to be honest, none of the explanations quite cut it. A quick search in Google will return results like ‘someone who enjoys winding others up in the sense of making fun of them or playing practical jokes.’

I think it’s a lot more complex than that. It’s not a simple as some jock playing lame practical jokes, real wind up merchants know how to go deeper than that. Pranks are just child’s play. The real fun comes when you figure out how to poke the bear. So this would be my definition (which I think should replace the existing one, no?).

Someone who enjoys pushing people’s buttons for their own personal amusement and satisfaction.

Yes, that’s more like it.

As you get older (I’m about to reach the ripe old age of 30), you start to notice things about yourself, especially when you spend a lot of time with one person. Lately, after going on holiday with a friend, spending more time with my besties and after four and a half years of living with my boyfriend I have come to realise that I enjoy winding people up. I LIKE BEING ANNOYING.

Why on earth I like being annoying is beyond my comprehension. It’s definitely not a desirable personality trait. I don’t know how those closest to me put up with me.

Perhaps they get through it because occasionally my wind ups and irritating comments are quite entertaining and even make them laugh, at least until they get to the point where they want to bang their head against a wall. On occasions perhaps I take things too far, but thankfully I have friends that have the balls to tell me enough is enough and to shut the hell up.

If you want to become a fully fledged wind-up merchant, not just the lame definition kind (the uber irritating practical jokers), then I have some advice. Here are some things I do to push people’s buttons, just for kicks. Because hey, it makes life a little more entertaining.

1. Repeat one phrase or something about yourself over and over again. Not just several times in one day, but over a few YEARS. It will become tiresome.

2. Find out exactly what irritates your partner, then when they are in a bad mood, do it, a lot.

3. Be uber embarrassing whilst out in public. Be yourself, 100% of the time, no matter what anyone else thinks. Dance on the train, sing a song to the taxi driver, or yell out random things whilst walking along the street.

4. Actually, singing, particularly if you are tone deaf, is an entertaining way to annoy people. You aren’t doing anything mean, you are just making yourself happy by belting out an absolute tune.

5. Talk the whole way through films, TV programmes and and live performances taking care to ask the most frustrating questions. Like asking why something happened and then it’s immediately explained afterwards.

6. Whenever you do something embarrassing or pull of an odd stunt when others are around. Top off your performance with a cheeky ‘YOLO’, because you only live once right?

7. If something in particular disgusts someone, such as farting, burping or picking your toenails for example, do it as often as you can.

8. Constantly ask the most pointless questions you can think of, just to watch how the other person reacts.

9. Tell really mundane and boring stories with bucket loads of passion and enthusiasm.

10. Eat other people’s food before they can get to it. If you don’t manage, that, wait until they have one mouthful left and ask them if you can try their food. Or order something you know you don’t want and then display epic food disappointment in an attempt to hijack their meal.

11. Don’t listen or pay attention to much of what anyone says and constantly ask them to repeat themselves. Life’s more fun in a daydream.

12. Get other people to do things for you without realising it until they notice you are taking the piss and call you out for it. Then do it some more.

13. You know how some people don’t like certain words, like ‘moist’. Repeat them daily to that person in the most annoying voice you can muster. For example, my boyfriend hates it when I say pottatttooooo.

14. Talk in sentences that make no sense at all.

15. Be really annoying when ordering dinner and if your food/service is shit, be that person that complains.

16. It seems that most people don’t like confrontations and find them embarrassing. Don’t hold back, be honest and speak your mind when something is bothering you.

17. It’s not about ‘poking the bear’, you should really be aiming to rugby tackle the bear. Go big or go home.

That’s it for now, I will add a few more as I think of more genius ways to irritate those I love.








  1. September 23, 2016 / 8:27 am

    Loved it… love you.. started reading your blog 2 weeks ago. I don’t remember how I stumbled upon it. Hi.. I am Uttara 23 years old.
    I have been hooked to your blog and I enjoy it immensely, mostly because I can relate to everything you write about. After reading this post I realised you are just like me. Thank you for the happy words. Keep it Up. Hoping we could meet some day……….. <3

  2. The Pazz
    October 19, 2017 / 9:05 pm

    I feel you’re missing a great one. Something that really annoys people is repeating exactly what they just said, but making out like you were the first one to say it.. once you do this a couple of times you will find yourself doing it all the time and annoying people in the process!

  3. Emperor Jahrome
    February 12, 2018 / 9:33 am

    The best thing to do no matter how button pushing or seriously annoying they get is to do absolutely nothing legit I mean nothing maybe no more than a simple “If you say so” “I honestly don’t care bye” or straight up nothing. No stance, don’t show you’re threatened, remotely intimidated don’t even discontinue what you were doing just glance as if to say right ok bye then child. This works every goddam time regardless of how persistent or annoying one can be, even if they try and up their game respond in the same nature. I simply don’t care whatever. The frustration the intimidation the annoyance the game they’re playing in the end always ends up hurting them, annoying them they get angry and lose all composure and eventually get bored and flee from their own stupidity. I do this to people all the time they’ll say something and i’ll simply put it “You’re actually wasting your time” then leave the situation or if it’s online just plain up leave the screen and go and play some PlayStation for or go for a walk because if they enjoy talking to thin air then that’s their life hobby not mine :) Either way I always have the last laugh. It is ultimately them who fall to pieces and it is funny to watch them knowing deep inside their really going grrrrrrrr can’t get my way, can’t get the reaction I wanted it[‘s not fair stamp up and down- Yes little Narcissist mirror gazer we already know you’re toys are being flung out the cot and you hate yourself so much right now but it’s ok I know the game, I know the psychology for i’m clear thinking and knowing I am Empath so goodbye little Narcissist.

  4. Uggy
    October 18, 2018 / 6:31 am

    Thanks for this!! I had a mental block over how to wind up a character I’m writing and the asking pointless questions one grabbed my eyes and pointed them in a rich seam of personal blindspot. Love it!

  5. Dan
    January 30, 2019 / 6:04 pm

    A good one would be to target something someone likes, then ask that person a question on the subject matter they wouldn’t know in a thousand years yet find amazing – then tell em that even though you know about it cause you came across it in some rag it actually bores you to death and think of an appropriate fully fledged put down why anyone interested in such drivel must be missing something in life – great example being lovers of (un)reality TV!

  6. May 3, 2019 / 10:54 am

    I admit, I’m a wind-up merchant and most of these ideas I wouldn’t do because they seem obnoxious and irritating (in a not fun way) to me, but Number 8 I would do all the time. Sarcasm and quick-wit arenot beyond me, and nor is it past me to converse with myself in frnt of my husband like I’m planning some evil scheme (like tickling him, not really evil, like murder) then have him warn me againt it, only for me to decide against it and maybe alternate my plan of attack to poking him repeatedly instead. He calls me a little sh*t but it makes him laugh. Other’s I’ve done are wishing my father-in-law a happy 70th birthday on Facebook (he’s only 67), asking my Mum if she wants a detour again after we ended up rescuing an old lady and her dogs, telling my neighbour that he “didn’t say please the way i like it” when he wanted to borrow some tools, and had him practically begging in our shared garden, in front of his girlfriend. Yes, I’m evil, yes, I make a lot of people laugh, but it’s oh so fun. That’s what I do it for, I do it to make people smile, for shared amusement. If someone can’t take a joke and have a laugh, we probably won’t get along.

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