In the last year or so I have experienced a complete turnaround on the way I look at sport. I have always been extremely competitive in everything I do, especially sport. I have always seen sport as something that you must excel in and to me, winning is everything. However, when you have this sort of mindset it can get in the way of you really enjoying exercise.
My parents always wanted me to become a world champion. So that’s basically drilled into my head. I can still picture my dad saying to me, ‘I don’t care what sport it’s in, just become a world champion.’ I loved my father, but now I’m a little older, I can see just how much pressure these sort of statements put on me.
My dad only ever encouraged me, he was the most positive person I knew, but sometimes his positivity was crushing. He made me believe I can achieve anything I set my mind to, and for that I’m eternally grateful. However, I’m now enjoying sport in a completely new way, and I wish he could see how happy and healthy it’s making me.
My need to succeed in sport infiltrated the rest of my life. Nothing is ever good enough for me, and no matter how well I do, I always feel like I can do better. This attitude played a big part in my anxiety, because I never felt like I was good enough.
My whole life was like a race that I was constantly trying to win. Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are trying to run somewhere and you aren’t getting anywhere? That’s what my life felt like.
After running and swimming competitively for much of my childhood and teenage life. I went to university and practically stopped my sport altogether after my father passed.
I felt like a body part was missing, and didn’t know who I was anymore. Sport had always been such a big part of my identity, that not being Kiri the athlete didn’t seem to make any sense.
A few years later I got into kickboxing. I couldn’t believe I had gone my entire life and not yet tried martial arts. I was addicted as soon as I set foot in the kickboxing club, and soon started competing in competitions.
Kickboxing brought out the best and the worst in me. I was so competitive that winning or losing a fight was like a life or death situation. Even when we were sparring in training I would feel my heart pounding and the incessant need to win. I obviously know you need to lose sometimes and learn from your losses, but I still get really wound up.
Fighting obviously heightened my competitiveness, and I would get so wound up that I found it impossible to calm down after training. I think a part of my dad was still with me, cheering me on and encouraging me to be the very best.
I got so nervous for competitions that I was an anxious mess weeks before fights. Despite absolutely loving it once on the mat, I wondered whether it was worth putting myself through this mental battle.
People would say to me, ‘everyone gets nervous, you just have to learn to control your nerves’. Yes, fine, agreed, but easier said than done. Plus, perhaps you don’t get just what goes on inside my head of mine, and how much my anxiety affects my body too.
I have taken a temporary break from kickboxing partially due to injury, but also to get some mental headspace. Since then I have not been putting pressure on myself to compete, and have focused solely on gentle exercise that makes me feel good (physically and mentally).
I have taken up Yoga, which is bloody amazing by the way. I also walk a lot with the dogs, and instead of going on a grueling run, I will go on a two hour pleasurable walk.
I’m concentrating on getting fit and healthy without the competitive element and whaddya know, I’m really bloody enjoying it. I don’t schedule three runs a week, I go out and run when I feel like it. I walk a lot. It calms me and makes me feel grounded.
Some of my best moments are when I’m out walking with the dogs escaping the excruciatingly fast-paced modern world. I have taken up Taekwondo, and I’m focusing on doing the gradings rather than fighting (although I have not given up sparring completely).
Who knows how long I will be able to view exercise this way. I can hear the old me calling, she’s telling me I’m a failure because I’m not winning anything, but I’m not going to listen to her, not today.
I have a newfound love for exercise and realised that winning doesn’t define me, my happiness does. I’ve still got that burning fire inside of me, I’m just slowly learning how to channel it in the right way.
