Wedding season is just around the corner so it’s time to stock up on fancy frocks and think about what wedding gifts you are going to buy. This year is a very busy year of weddings for me. It seems wedding bells will be ringing constantly across the country. 2015 is apparently the year everyone wants to get married.
I have a total of six weddings to go to this year Yes, SIX. I feel like I am preparing myself for some sort of wedding marathon, and boy do I need to pace myself. It’s pretty bloody exciting though. Think of all the wedding cake that will be in my belly.
Also, thankfully each of the weddings I am planning on attending are very different and I am going to get to go to some pretty cool venues (a chateau, glamorous garden marquee and an upmarket government building). My wedding season actually begins tomorrow with my boyfriend’s sister’s wedding (my potential sister-in-law if I play my cards right). Let the celebrations begin…..
Hang on wait, I was supposed to be giving advice on what not to do at weddings, but I got sidetracked because I am super excited about attending 34294 weddings this year. Anywhooo, sometimes weddings can be super awkward when guests make some classic faux pas. You know those moments when you stare at another wedding guest and you are like seriously wtf???
So here are is some advice for all you readers who wish to be a grade A wedding guest.
1. Take too much wedding cake
Often the wedding cake is not actually that big. Do you want to be the person that eats too much cake? You could be the reason the poor bride didn’t even get to try her own wedding cake. One slice only is a good rule (unless the wedding cake is enormous).
2. Fake tan to the max
Applying a fake tan before a wedding is too risky unless you are a pro, or you get it done professionally. Extreme shades of orange are not attractive.
3. Wear an inappropriate (vom inducing) outfit
Oh I have seen some wedding guests wearing awful outfits. I think the worst wasn’t a ridiculously short dress but a skin colour, super tight, super short jump suit. EVERYONE was commenting on how bad it was. Always choose something conservative.
4. Flirt with the bride/groom
Masssssiiveee taboo. It’s their wedding day for god’s sake.
5. Get a bit too sexual with another guest
This is really disturbing. You know when you see that couple hooking up on the dance floor getting a bit too close.
6. Make awks comments during speeches
Don’t make cringeworthy comments during the speeches, or worse, during the ceremony. It just makes everything super awkward.
7. Wear white
Come on guys, everyone knows you can’t wear white to a wedding.
8. Spill ANYTHING on the bride’s dress
You will probably be escorted from the premises and the bride will never speak to you again. If you are drinking red wine always stay at least ten metres away from the bride.
9. Show up with someone who wasn’t invited
Don’t seek revenge for not being given a plus one by bringing a total stranger to the wedding.
10. Take photos at the wrong moments
Avoid using flash photography during the ceremony. Don’t be constantly flashing the camera in the bride and groom’s face, it can be very off putting.
11. Post pictures of the bride on social media (unless requested)
Believe it or not, some people don’t like their wedding photos to be plastered all over social media. They want to make sure they are happy with their wedding photos, and that’s why they spending hundreds of pounds on a photographer. Don’t post pictures of the wedding unless you have permission.
12. Forget your card/wedding present
13. Drink too much and embarrass yourself
Don’t be ‘that drunk person’. You know, the one that everyone makes comments about under their breath. O.M.G, someone totally took advantage of the free bar. If you can’t see then go home immediately.
14. Bitch about the bride
The bride is allowed to be totally flawless and the centre of attention for just one day. Don’t take that away from her.
15. Criticise the wedding
Pleassseee do not explain how you would do things differently at every stage of the wedding. If the wrong people overhear your conversation you will look totally unappreciative and mean. Discuss with your friends after the wedding if you must.
16. Let your kids wreak havoc
People hate it when parents have no control over their kids at weddings. That’s why lots of people have a no kids (apart from family) rule.
17. Take selfies while the ceremony is taking place
No this wedding is not about you. There is a time and a place for selfies (something I need to learn).
18. Talk really loudly while the ceremony is taking place
Argghhh this is so annoying. Shut the f**k up. This is the biggest moment of their life and you are ruining it with your idle chat.
19. Cause injuries trying to catch the bouquet
Ladies, ladies, ladies…don’t be so desperate for your boyfriend to put a ring on it that you take out all the female guests while trying to catch the bouquet. Very tragic indeed.
20. Try and change the seating plan
The bride and groom probably spent hours trying to come up with a seating plan to keep everyone happy. Do not mess with it and try and swap seats. Not cool.
21. Turn up late
Of all the events we attend in our lives, a wedding is one where lateness is not tolerated. Do not be late. End of.
22. Be on your phone all day
This is just plain rude. Be without your smartphone for just one day.
Hurrahh, I now pronounce you…fit to attend a wedding.
p.s yes that’s me being an idiot bridesmaid in the picture.