I swear I was not built to live in a house. I feel like I’d be better off in the outback somewhere with a mud hut and a pile of cosy leaves to sleep in. And it’s not just because I like the great outdoors and adventure, it’s basically because I’m shit at being domestic.
My parents tried their best, they really did, but none of their teachings sunk in. I’m a lazy being (work and sport aside). If there’s a simpler alternative to something, I will take it, even if in the long run it makes my life much harder, or I have to settle for less than perfect results.
It’s weird because I’m not lazy professionally or in other aspects of my life like sport or achieving things. Nope, it’s just in the house, when I’m attempting to be a normal housewife, which I’m most definitely not. I’m surprised I’ve found a man who will put up with my odd behaviour. He does pretty well bless him, but we’ve all got limits.
I think to be able to understand where I’m coming from and what I mean, I need to share some examples. So here is a little insight into the daily challenges of being Kiri. Here are some times I’ve failed at being domestic and come up with ridiculous alternatives to normal household tasks and challenges. *Warning*, you will most definitely think less of me after reading this. And pretty please do NOT try any of this at home, I can’t be responsible for any mishaps.
1. Used shampoo instead of washing up liquid – When you don’t have a dishwasher (I know, I know, the struggle is real) and the plates keep piling up, but you’ve got not washing up liquid, what’s a gal to do? Surely it’s worse to leave those plates festering away? I’m not going to lie, just last week I used Herbal Essences as temporary washing up liquid, and honestly, from the results, I can’t tell the difference.
2. Used straighteners instead of an iron – Oh this is my go to solution when it comes to ironing. Because, well, basically, I don’t do ironing. At all. Like ever. My mum tried to teach me without any success. To be fair, I don’t have to go to serious business meetings, because, well, I work for myself. And if I need to smarten up my dress for a wedding, the straighteners pretty much do the trick. The results in this instance aren’t perfect tbh, but good enough to enable me to leave the house without looking like I’ve picked my dress up from a pile of crumpled clothes on the floor (which in most cases, I have).
3. Used make up remover pads instead of toilet roll – Yup. I’ve done this, and I feel ashamed to admit it, but I’m pretty sure a ton of people out there have done it too. Don’t deny it, there must have been a time when you’ve got down to that last sheet of loo roll, torn it into bits to make it last, and then managed with cotton wool pads for a few hours until you can pop to the shops.
4. Put loo roll in pants as temporary sanitary towel – Emergency! When you are super desperado and have no choice but to fashion a poor version of a sanitary towel out of several sheets of loo roll folded over, knowing full well it might only last you 20 minutes, but sometimes that’s long enough to make it to a supermarket to get the real thing.
5. Used a mug to whisk eggs coz can’t be arsed to wash a bowl – Oh the effort of washing a bowl up to whisk eggs is just too much sometimes. Why bother when there are plenty of mugs in the cupboard? Sure, some eggy stuff sometimes spills out the top and spreads onto the kitchen counter creating more mess, but it’s defo worth not washing up a bowl filled with dried cereal that’s literally impossible to scrub off.
6. Used supermarket plastic bags instead of poo bags – Any other dog owners done this? I usually have dog poo bags coming out my ears. I find them in my jean pockets, coat pockets, purse, sock drawer and shoes. One time, on my first day of work at a new job, I turned up with a yellow poo bag hanging out my coat pocket, and yeah, it was noted. Yet somehow, when I really need one, I can’t seem to locate the bloody things. So I end up having to use a Sainsburys or Waitrose shopping bag, and let me tell you, you have to watch out for the holes at the bottom.
7. Used a vest top as an eye mask – For a while now I’ve been meaning to invest in one of the face sleep mask thingys. Our blinds are shit and basically let in all the light, which is why I wake up at like 6.30am every day in the summer, cover my face with whatever item of clothing I can grab (often a black vest top), and try and snooze for a few more hours. If anyone wants to buy me a plush sleep mask thingy I’d pretty much love you forever.
8. Tried to eat soup from a slightly rounded plate – When there’s no clean bowls and you spot a plate that kind of sorta looks a bit bowl-like, but isn’t. You decide to risk it, and 100% spill boiling hot soup everywhere.
9. Use the floor by the side of the bed as my clothes drawer – Because who needs drawers and cupboards for clothes storage when you have the floor, am I right? This is probably one of my worst habits. When I can’t find anything to wear (which is most days), I rummage through everything like a badger digging a burrow. I then fail to put it all back and a pile gradually builds by the side of my bed, and when I haven’t tidied my clothes in ages, they take a mountain form and reach as high as the side of my bed. I could roll off my bed without hurting myself, and end up sleeping on a soft, comfy pile of clothes.
10. Used plastic bags to wrap and give gifts (instead of wrapping paper) – My friends all know I don’t do wrapping. It’s just SUCH hard work. I am not designed to do crafts or make things look pretty, I’m a throw it in and hope for the best kinda gal. Which means all presents from me either come as they are, in a plastic supermarket bag, or, if you’re lucky, I *might* buy a gift bag and shove it in. My friendship value is not measured by my present decor skills that’s all I can say.
11. Used the sofa as a makeshift washing line – The other day my fiance nearly cried actual real tears when he came home to find my attempt at hanging washing up. Apparently you are not supposed to hang clothes on top of each other or let them touch. I definitely knew that when I was carelessly throwing them onto the clothes horse, but I just couldn’t be bothered to put any effort in. Hanging clothes up carefully takes far too much time and brain power. When I’m really lazy or rushed, I will gently lay a t-shirt or pair of shorts or two over the sofa and hope they somehow dry, which they (partly) do.
12. Used shower gel instead of shaving foam – Who needs shaving foam, really. I mean, I appreciate dry shaving isn’t the best idea, but I’ve definitely had successful leg and arm pit shaving sessions using shower gel. It’s a bit more slippery so you have to be careful (don’t try this at home my friends), but the finish is basically the same (aside from a few missed patches but whatevs).
13. Tried to pluck eyebrows with nail clippers – It is so bloody annoying when you can’t locate your tweezers, I always lose them travelling and then have to keep buying new ones. I have to admit, I have numerous times, tried to pluck my eyebrows with nail clippers, knowing full well that it NEVER works. You can’t grasp the hair without cutting it. Classic example of me making life harder for myself than it needs to be.
14. Hand washed clothes with washing up liquid/shampoo/shower gel – If I’ve got something I need to hand wash, in most cases I will use Fairy Liquid or even shampoo without much consideration for what it may do to my clothes.
15. Placed plates and bowls the right way up after washing meaning they still have a pool of water in them and can’t dry – Enough said. Careless. There is absolutely no sense to my placement of china and cutlery, I plonk it down and hope it dries and that’s it. Solution, turn upside down and stack properly.
I’m sure there are plenty of other examples, but I don’t think I should add anymore or people will start to think I can’t function as a normal human being. How many of the above can you tick off? I bet if you are completely honest there’s going to be at least one or two you cheeky rascals…because everyone is human after all. We can’t all be Stepford Wives. Forget Mrs Jones, I’m going to be a Mrs Smith, and she does things totally differently.
