In this article, Leah Hardcastle shares some wisdom on grief and details some of her personal coping strategies.
Admitting you are in mourning can be difficult. In fact, it can be impossible to come to terms with grief and all its weird reflections on life. But the reflections that come with the loss of a loved one can change your life and, more importantly, your outlook on life.
Admitting you are grieving and need help is nothing to be ashamed of.
The last stage of grieving is acceptance, so let’s begin with saying…
You are not alone.
‘We bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world- the company of those who have known suffering.’ -Helen Keller
Sometimes, this bubble of loss can feel suffocating and isolating.
This differs with each person; however it is important to note you are not alone. This is the perfect time to fall back on your support system. Talk about your thoughts with that friend you haven’t spoken to in a while. Talk to your family and lean on them for help. You never know what might come out of these conversations. Just getting the words out can feel like a bit of a weight has been lifted.
You are not alone. To help get through the stages of grief, you need to talk to those around you.
What are the stages of grief?
To come to an understanding of mourning, let’s discuss the importance of each stage of grief:
- Denial:
You may reach the stage of questioning the situation and reality itself, but these feelings are normal. It is common to feel dissociation and the need to deny anything has happened.
- Anger
Bubbling emotions of anger and violent thoughts can feel like they are buried in your head; however, this is a process. This process is built out of feeling. The best thing you can do is find healthy ways to extinguish or dull these waves of emotion.
- Bargaining
It has happened, and it might not feel real, but it is not something you can compromise or change. Change is already happening but you can be in control of that change. By stating that this is your grief and no one else’s, you gain an element of power, of control. Use it for good.
- Depression
I found this the hardest stage to be productive and work through. Physically working while grieving can feel like you are drowning in the fog. And yes, it hurts, and you can feel entirely alone but this is the stage that your support system needs to react.
- And acceptance
You have got there. You’ve been through every stage of doubt to healing. I cannot say that you won’t feel these feelings again; however you’ve accepted what is and was. You should be incredibly proud of that.
It is worth noting that mourning is a process that doesn’t take a month to overcome or a week to ‘get over’. Living with grief is a part of life, and this process doesn’t take a certain period of time because we learn and reflect upon the memories shared with our loved ones
My private strategies of grief – shared in the hope of helping someone.
My experience of grieving involved a lot of self-reflection and planning outings with my family. However, it wasn’t always productive. It is hard to let go of a period in your life let alone the person you shared any period of time with.
However, I have some tips that have worked for me on my journey.
Private strategies of mourning
1. Journaling
I managed to write down every horrible thought or beautiful reflection as I’m walking to work or sat drinking green tea. Then I purged myself of those thoughts in a little tradition. I collect all my random pieces of journaling and burned them in my log fire each autumn. Now this can be a little tricky and unsafe however my family fire pit nights involve a glass of wine or questionable beer with good company and better talks.
2. Pushing myself to get out of bed
I had to come to terms that I am still alive and still in control of my narrative. So I set myself the target of doing one productive thing a day. Such as going to the gym, calling my extended family or a more achievable goal getting out of bed. It was so easy to slip into those dark thoughts that a comfort blanket or even a literal blanket became a bolt hold for me. But I got through it day by day by developing my task into larger tasks.
3. Trying anything creative
I started with drawing doodles and then writing reflective poetry. But this could be the opportunity to try candle painting, pottery, and jewellery making. These creative distractions gave me the unconscious ability to reflect on how I’m feeling about an object or art. Something that acted as a reminder of what loss can become. To gain some inspiration you can look at some masterpieces created during periods of grief here.
4. Scream (yes, really, it’s not so quiet, but it works!)
Quiet grief can feel deafening, so let it be known. Scream as loud as you want. Obviously not at 3 am in central Croydon but use those emotions for something good. Try out kickboxing or wrestling. Maybe this just means allowing yourself the time to cry. To let out these emotions that feel inconsolable.
My private strategies were particularly isolated as I process my emotions independently through periods of seclusion this is simply how I processed my grief. There are other ways to grieve that involve therapy groups but other self-care tips involve limiting the amount of news and social media you consume during that initial period of mourning to restrict the amount of distress you can be in.
It is worth mentioning that certain obstacles can be thrown at you, especially on social media surrounding anniversaries, which can be particularly unhelpful and make you feel like you are back at stage one. My advice is to stay off social media for this period and have a look at our grief diary for more advice. To find out more about the impacts of social media read here.
These tips may only work for some. However grief can be all things, yes it is hard and depressing. But it can also be a source of good and you can come to this conclusion through any method that you find works.
Reflecting on what was can be a beautiful thought but we move on in many ways across life.
If you need medical advice, I have more resources about:
Article by Leah Hardcastle
