A bit of a strange title I’ll give you that. But picture this, you spend all your life being a ‘yes’ person and then suddenly the penny drops. Earth to Kiri, it’s not always good to be a ‘yes’ person.
The ability to communicate ‘no’ really reflects that you are in the driver’s seat of your own life.
Well, that’s what Vanessa M. Patrick, an associate professor of marketing at the C. T. Bauer College of Business at the University of Houston says.
Sure over the years you’ve probably heard of ‘The Yes Man’ and even been persuaded that continuously saying no to things means you miss out on tons of cool stuff. We all get FOMO from time to time, but sometimes it’s worth losing out so that you can win on a more personal level.
‘You won’t get the chance to do this again.’ Umm yes, I probably will.
‘Everyone is going so you should go.’ Not necessarily, then I have to talk to people.
‘What else will you be doing instead, really?.’ Ummm a lot of things, sitting on the sofa with my dogs and a glass of wine.
Most of the time we are pressured to do a ton of things we don’t really do. Do this, buy that, visit so and so, attend this event, be a social butterfly bla bla bla. I don’t know if I’m having an early mid-life crisis but I’m totally happy in my own little bubble. And turns our it’s perfectly normal. Studies show that the number of friends we have declines consistently as we get older.
Both men and women continue to make more and more friends until the age of 25, when the numbers begin falling rapidly and continue to fall throughout the rest of a person’s life. Independent
My husband and our goals as a couple are becoming more important than ever. It’s time to focus on what I really want to do rather than getting pressured into attending dull events and spending money that I don’t have on wasteful things. But there is a difference between not doing something because you won’t benefit from it and not doing something because of fear. You shouldn’t bail on things just because they are hard if they could be positive for you.
But if you know you defo don’t want to do something – it’s time to make a selfish decision. What if you just CAN’T SAY NO?? Check out this basic guide on how to say no to things.
Before you agree to do something you blatantly don’t want to do, ask yourself these questions…
- What will I gain from doing this?
- Will it make me happy?
- Is there something I’d rather do instead?
- Am I just doing this to please someone else rather than myself?
If you’re not getting the answers you want, well, maybe consider that you probably CBA to do whatever it is and you won’t get much from it. So say nooo. No. No. No.
OK, I’m starting to sound negative but actually, I’m feeling really positive. Liberated in fact. I’m enjoying taking a screw the world I’m going to do whatever the hell I want to do for a change. We only get a certain amount of time on this earth, so why spend it doing things that are a total waste of your precious time.
Cherry pick the people you want to spend time with. That day you spent running around town with friends you care little for, you’ll never get that back. If you’re feeling shit, don’t force yourself to go to a social event that you’re clearly not in the mood for. The friends who actually care about you won’t mind if you have the occasional off day. Plus, after a decade of feeling pressure to meet up with a billion people and maintain far too many friendships (I’m only one person after all) – I’m exhausted.
If you keep being that ‘yes’ person and meeting other people’s needs you’ll have little time for your own. It’s much better to have slightly fewer friends who you spend more time with than a whole bunch of friends who you hardly see on an individual basis – well I think so anyway. As I said earlier, every moment counts. As well as not doing things you don’t want to do, don’t make yourself miserable by spending your time with people that don’t really ‘feed your happy.’
Of each of the friends you’ve got, ask yourself the following questions…
- Does this person leave some kind of a positive impact on me each time I see them?
- Do they make me laugh or feel good about myself?
- Do I enjoy the time I spend with them?
- Do they ask about my life instead of constantly going on about theirs?
- Do they help me out in my time of need/are they there for me?
- Am I likely to be friends with them in five/ten/fifteen years?
You can add a few of your own questions too. Perhaps there are particular things you value in friendships and hope for in a friend. Kindness, selflessness, support, entertainment, understanding.
Individuals explore the range of opportunities (both for friendships and for reproductive partners) available to them before finally settling down with those considered optimal or most valuable. Study link
If someone is not ticking all your ‘are they worth my time’ boxes, then phase them out. Yes it’s harsh, but you’ll feel ohhh so much better. It’s also OK to have friends that you see once in a blue moon – if they add something to your life.
Don’t feel like you have to do certain things to be successful. Or follow the same path everyone else does. Just do what’s right for you, that’s what I’m learning anyway.
Stop putting pressure on yourself to keep up with the bloody Joneses. Who cares about them anyways…And who knows what might come out of you uttering that powering word just a little bit more often? Your whole life could change, your career might improve and with any luck, you’ll be just that little bit happier.
