Life

Thoughts I’m Having In The Countdown To My 30th Birthday

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Never before has a birthday generated such fear. It’s only a number they say. You won’t feel any different they say. Well folks, I disagree. Something is happening, I can feel it in my bones. I feel a bit like an ugly caterpillar with growing pains. I know the time is coming, I’m waiting for my wings to spread, but it hasn’t happened yet.

I DON’T WANT TO TURN 30. There, I said it. I know my 30’s are supposed to be easier than my 20’s, which were, to be fair, a challenge. I somehow got through uni, I dealt with the grief of losing my father, I broke up with a boyfriend, I met the love of my life, I rescued two dogs, I built a successful business and just in the nick of time, I got engaged.

That’s enough to digest in one lifetime, but I feel my 30’s may just be even more eventful. My first few months as a 30 year old will be consumed with wedding planning. What a cliche. #im30soimusgetmarriedquick

I wrote a post about reasons I’m looking forward to turning 30. That was me trying to make myself feel better, and for a while, it worked. But now I’m under two weeks away from the big day and I feel like I want to run away to Antarctica with my huskies and maybe my fiance (lol jokes) and live in an igloo. No one will know I’m 30 there because I will be covered in layers and fluff.

It’s not like I want to make you other lovely 29 year olds panic, I just have to get a few things off my chest. Here’s what I’m thinking in advance of my dreaded 30th birthday…

1. Why can’t I be 20 again, please? No, scrap that, 27 would be perfect. If I had one wish it would be to remain 27 forever.

2. I wouldn’t mind living in the university bubble for a bit longer. Perhaps I should have been like Van Wilder and studied for years on end to avoid having to face the real world. Why did I have to grow up and become an adult so fast?

3. I may not look 30, because most people still think I’m an 18 year old, but I feel it. I feel it seeping through my veins. I like evenings on the sofa, drinking wine in the bath, reading books, going out for dinner and behaving like an old married couple with my fiance. I like all this stuff, but I don’t want myself to like it. So every now and then I act like a teenager and get drunk or rebel against the rules of being nearly 30.

4. When is my first grey hair going to arrive? I thought I saw one the other day, but it was just my roots growing through. Will my face look different as soon as I hit my 30th birthday? I have spent years having everyone tell me I look young. But was it all for nothing because I’m suddenly going to get wrinkles and saggy boobs? FYI the boobs aren’t saggy yet. I just thought you should know that.

5. Am I going to walk down the street and see ladies who are clearly in their early twenties and hate them for it? Will I note how perfect their skin looks and consider how carefree their life must be?

6. Do I really have to celebrate? I mean, I am having a bit of a get together, and I’m excited to see my friends and everything, but can’t we just pretend we’re celebrating something else? I think an engagement party is a good cover.

7. How annoying is it that I’m eight months younger than my fiance. It’s only eight short months, but this means a lifetime of me ALWAYS TURNING OLDER FIRST. Arrghh. I’m happy I’ve bagged myself a toyboy and all, but is it really worth feeling old for the rest of my life???

8. I feel like the first 20 years of my life went by slowly. It seemed to take forever to turn 18. You spend years hoping your 18th birthday will just hurry up and happen. But my 20’s seemed to whizz by. Like, how the hell did a decade just pass and suddenly I’m entering my 30’s.

9. What do people do in their 30’s? Should I change my hobbies and weekly routine? Should I join a ‘women in their 30’s type club’, like a lunch group or yoga possy?

10. I just bought a Nissan Juke. Is this a sign that I’m going to a classic mum soon? Should I buy an Audi (that I can’t afford) to look more businesswoman like? Will I buy a people carrier next year? Is it too soon? I mean, it would be ideal for the dogs and all our sports kit…

11. Why is my house so small? I expected to have some sort of mansion by the time I was 30 but then living costs became ridiculous and I have to rent a teeny cottage for a ridiculous amount of money.

12. When I’m 30 will people take me more seriously professionally? Will I do more business thanks to being super mature and a successful businesswoman in my 30’s?

13. Will I still see my friends in my 30’s? Everyone is married and the babies are shooting out which means people have their own lives now so will they forget about me? Will I only get to see my friends once every three months for a quick coffee? Please God I hope not.

14. Shouldn’t I be more mature by now? I can’t exactly call myself a proper adult yet. I still hate filling in forms and getting my shit together and can’t keep my house tidy.

And the list goes on….