I really hate the anxious part of me. It makes me behave in an unatural way and stray further and further away from my true self. The truth is, I shouldn’t be hating my anxious side, because that’s not going to help me.
If I want to live in harmony with my anxiety I need to embrace it. I need to see it as just a small part of me that I can be in control of if I want to be. Although it’s obviously not that easy.
I hate my anxiety for presenting this undesirable version of my personality. The person people see when I’m anxious is definitely not fun to be around. She’s not easy to deal with, and she doesn’t always do or say the right thing.
Those of you who have anxiety will understand when I say it’s a bit like a switch goes off in your brain. When this switch goes off you really struggle to think and act rationally. This is not me. This is certainly not who I want to be.
During a panic you know that you are seeing things wrong, and you could choose to take a more positive perspective, but you don’t. You can’t see clearly until the fog over your mind clears, and you’ve calmed down.
Lately I have really been feeling frustrated that my anxious side is coming out too much. It’s making an appearance far too often, especially when I’m around people I feel comfortable with. But I don’t want them to see me like that.
I want them to see me as the care-free, easy-going, silly person that I can sometimes be. That’s the part of me that I love and cherish. That’s who I really am. But the world doesn’t always see it that way.
I start thinking, at what point did I lose so much of my true self? How can I hold onto that part of me more? I’m picturing it a bit like when those scary dementors in Harry Potter that who and steal people’s souls.
It’s like my anxiety is trying to reach inside me and grab my happy-go-lucky personality. But I’m clinging on to that part of me for dear life. I’m grasping at my happiness and doing my absolute best not to let it slip out of my grip.
Some days it feels like I have lost a part of me that I fear I won’t get back. Other days I begin to feel like my old self again and pray that it doesn’t end. But, you see, there’s no use praying. Fate isn’t going to return my happiness.
I have to change my mindset. If I want to change the way people see me, I need to alter the way I see myself and try harder to be my better self. Which definitely isn’t a simple task.
So in the meantime, can the people who are getting far too sucked into my anxious self, just take a moment to look beyond the anxiety? I’m not choosing to behave this way. I want to spend time with you where I’m worry free. But that’s going to take a whole lot of time and patience.
My life is pretty darn good, and I really need to start to see that. I’m engaged to someone who loves me for who I am, I’m running my own successful business, I have two awesome dogs and lots of supportive friends and family around me. And I must find a way to appreciate and enjoy these things.
So f**k you anxiety. You cannot define me. I will not let you win. I really don’t want you to change the way the people around me think of me. So here’s to locking you in a box and burying within the depths of my personality. Here’s to accepting you are there when you do manage to escape, and remembering, that despite everything, I am a person who is worth loving and deserves to be happy.
