This blog post is aimed specifically at those of you who are natural born mediators. You know who you are, and exactly what I am talking about. Being a mediator is far tougher than people think. They assume you have all your shit together and you are emotionally strong because you talk sense and pull your family and friends together. When in reality, the role of being a mediator is far more exhausting than it seems.
Whilst writing this I stumbled upon articles about professional mediators. It’s like a real life job. These aren’t the people I am on about. I am on about unprofessional mediators, people who are forced into the role.
A mediator type in my mind is someone who is able to see the good in most people (even if there isn’t that much of it). People naturally gravitate towards mediators to solve problems, such as family disagreements. Mediators are excellent at seeing both side of the story, and being fair to everyone. But after a while, this can take its toll.
Here’s an official definition:
A mediator is a person who attempts to make people involved in a conflict come to an agreement; a go-between.
The most important part of this statement in my mind is ‘go between’. Who wants to be a go between? No one, obvs. It’s not fun.
In my family, I am the mediator. The laid back, thoughtful one. I do my best to keep everyone happy. Everyone comes to me when they want to unload about someone else, or worse, ask me what I think they should do. Well, I have decided I am taking an early retirement from my mediation role, in the interest of my health. Those who are in the same position will probably agree this is a good decision. Here’s why being a natural born mediator (like myself) can be draining. The struggle is real.
1. You get it in the ear from everyone and it’s non stop.
2. People won’t accept you can’t pick a side.
3. Everyone thinks you’re tough, so you can take all the emotional baggage.
4. People don’t realise the impact what they say has on you.
5. It may not be wise for you to get involved. Share your opinion at your peril!
6. You have your own worries and concerns!
7. People try to tempt you into saying things you don’t mean, or feel comfortable agreeing with.
8. You are the one everyone calls, so you spend hours of mundane mediating on your phone.
9. People take advantage of your kind heart, because they know you are the soft one.
10. You sometimes get hurt when you get caught in the crossfire.
11. You want to please everyone so you make stupid amounts of effort to restore the peace. By the end of it you are shattered.
12. In most cases when people come to you with issues IT’S NOT YOUR PROBLEM! Yet they still yearn for you to get involved.
So my advice? Stop being the mediator. Refuse to comment when people put you in the middle. When a family member calls simply to unload about problems they have with someone, divert the conversation back to you and them instead. If it’s nothing to do with you then there’s no reason to get involved, it’s not your battle after all. I wish you luck my fellow mediators. Stay strong and don’t let people unknowingly take advantage of the type of person you are.
Here’s a picture of me with my grandma (mum’s mum) and grandad (dad’s mum) who are both in their 90’s, and both absolute machines!
They are amazing, and both very strong minded. Thankfully, I have a great relationship with both of them. This article isn’t about them specifically, or any one member of my family. I can’t really blame them, because I am the one who has allowed myself to be this person, and it’s part of who I am. I just need to know when being a mediator is and isn’t being detrimental to me.
Peace out.
